I can say sh*t in six languages

I am, as they say, "fucked". For my exams that is. Having handed in all of my papers, I prematurely began reeling from the elation of having that portion of my undergrad career complete. I did however forget to mention that I still have two exams to write.

Upon completion of these exams, I fully commit to one full week of drunken debauchery. I do not want to have any recollection of what took place during this time as it will serve as a spiritual/psychological purge from all things academic. I want to wake up 7 days later with random tattoos/piercings, bottles and cans strewn about my apartment, and with a camera full of photos that will mean nothing to me. Also, I really hope I make some friends of questionable values/hygiene during this time. Basically I want to live one week in the life of Anna Nicole Smith.

Suggestions for activities are welcome.

Hot Dog

This is right before he peed on the floor.

What I learned at university

In a few short weeks I will traverse the front campus of the university of toronto donned in academic robe to receive my degree from some old man that I have never met. 4 years and +$30,000 later, I take one thing away from this whole experience: the ability to scam the system.

The culmination of my academic training occured this year when myself and a colleague (who shall remain nameless for their own protection) pulled off the scam of all scams. The scheme of all schemes.

It all started in May of last year when for a book report I was subjected to a piece of historic fiction for a Middle Eastern history class. Seeing as there are over a million students at the UofT, books in the library for lecture classes are a hot commodity, and as such, are placed on "short term loan" in the library. The book for this report was of this category, and thus carried with it a hefty late fine. $0.50 cents per hour. Yes, per hour.

I borrowed the book, took it home, wrote the report, and then I think I saw something shiny and my attention was directed elsewhere. I kept the book for almost a year, at yes, a rate of $0.50 cents per hour. I won't leave you to do the math, but when I checked, my fine at Robarts Library was at $3859.00.

Now clearly I could not pay this fine and was thus left to plot and scheme a way to cheat the system. If you know anything about U of T, you will know that despite its "fine academic reputation", it harbors a reputation for being the pinnacle of bureaucracy. I was stuck with an enormous fine, unable to graduate, and forever indebted to the fortress of knowledge that is Robarts. I knew that paying the fine back was out of the question, I would have to sell an inconsequential organ, or perhaps join catlady in selling A LOT of 0.50 cent handjobs on Jarvis. Either way, if I paid back the fine, they would have to name a wing of the library after me. I had to come up with something, thus the scheme.

I knew that smuggling the book back on the shelf was out of the question. It would set off the alarms when I walked in, alerting the already suspicious librarians that there were doings a-transpiring. Luckily, UofT has a bajillion (yes, a bajillion) libraries that employ mostly foreign students. Thus my partner in crime and I took the book to a smaller unsuspecting library, set off the alarm there, and played dumb when the librarian/exchange student stopped us at the door. Since we set the alarm off going IN, it was clearly the fault of the bolsheviks at Robarts who forgot to demagnatize the work when I left, and the kind hearted helpers at the smaller library were just doing their job and demagnatized the book for me. Step one, success. We were clear for operation olgs' enduring (academic) freedom.

Step two consisted of my partner in crime taking the book and non-chalantly walking back into short term loan and placing the book meticulously back on the shelf. Luckily my partner has years of experience working at a public library (read: they are a nerd) and was familiar with the dewey decimal system. This ensured that any suspicion of the books return would not be raised, as its position on the shelf was clearly the work of someone skilled in library sciences.

Upon the books safe return to its resting place on the HF shelf, I walked in with the best "shocked/stunned" face I could muster. I watched a lot of Meryl Streep movies for inspiration leading up to the whole operation. But there I was, on the verge of tears at the injustice that had been placed on my record for the last year. After a brief "explanation" on my part about why I hadn't realized this error until now ("But I am a student of INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS damn it, I don't NEED these dated resources for my work, everything I need is at my fingertips on the UN website and in the pages of the Economist that arrive on my doorstep") the librarian did what she could only do, check the shelf to see if the book was in fact back in its home as I so vehemently claimed it had been for the last 10 months.

Huzzah! Mission accomplished and $3859 fine was taken off of my account.

In conclusion, I wouldn't be able to tell you the difference between foreign policies, or theories of hegemonic stability. But if you need a con artist, I'm your woman. Thank you U of T, I will now gladly accept my Honours B.S.

Disclaimer:
1. I have nothing against foreign students. Infact, I intend on being a foreign student one day. Not here in Toronto, then I wouldn't be a foreign student now would I, but elsewhere, like in another country. But the truth is, that all of the foreign students work at campus libraries. Call it what you want, but dont blame me. Blame the provincial liberals.

2. Yes my friend worked at a public library for years, but they are not really a nerd. Not any more than me anyways. Whether you think I am a nerd is up to you. Just keep your opinion to yourself. I am sensitive and cry easily

3. If you are reading this and you work for Robarts or the UofT library police then uh.....ha ha, just kidding?

I am in luff

This is my new roommate Chester. He joins me from the town of Pottageville, Ontario. Despite this fact, he is not a hick. In fact, Chester is a bad ass. He roams the 'hood barking and biting at any animal larger than himself, or any child under the age of 12. He hates fat people. He really does. Especially fat women with pizza in their hands that bend down over him and say stuff like "Look at the poopy woopy shmoopy" in a really high pitched baby voice. He also refuses to walk on sewers or manhole covers. He's a bit of a party animal (as per his tshirt that says "hot dog" with flames on it), but him and I are getting along just great.

Consumer Alert

The 5 piece Chicken Selects Strips Meal from McDonalds is not worth the extra 2$ over the 3 piece. Sure they give you 5 pieces, but they are smaller, thus the total meat volume of the 5 piece is the same as the 3 piece. I learned the hard way today.

Internet perverts take note

I have currently taken up residence in the JX section on the second floor of the Munk Centre for International Studies. Any day now Janice Stein is going to start charging me rent. Its coming together, the behemoth of a paper I'm writing, and after much consultation with classmates, former TA's, and random people I stop on the street, my argument holds and my case studies are relevant, proving that I do not have an extra chromosome afterall.

I love movies that start out with "the following is based on a true story". You know its going to be good. Like this movie that just started (at 3:30 am) starring Brooke Shields. I think, and I am basing this on my knowledge of film making trends of the mid 80s to early 90s, that this one involves stalkers, restraining orders, and eventual murder. Cue the soft jazz and saxaphone medley.

Post #2

I feel the need to post a second post almost immediately after my first post just so this blog doesn't look lame with only one post on it.

I am also posting this because I am procrastinating.

I should be working on my mammoth International Relations Theory paper that was due last week, but alas too much good tv (read: reruns of season 1 CSI and Elimidate). In all honesty, Im in over my head with this paper. It's for a joint 4th year/graduate seminar in IR theory and I took it thinking I was smart enough to do so (I often fall under the illusion of my supposed intelligence). However I spent most of the year with a glazed look in my eye while people debated the merits and applications of liberalism, neorealism, constructivism, and other isms that just all sounded the same to me. I did take one thing away from this class though, low self-esteem. I love putting up my hand to contribute what I think is well thought out point, only to have it received by blank stares and the chirping of crickets.

So yes, I should be writing on the responsibility to protect and its effect on the way we think about sovereignty but some girl just showed her tits out the window of a car and I think that just bought her immunity in the next round of elimidate eliminations.

Seacrest out.

Obligatory First Post

This is my journal. It is boring. If you are reading this then you are wasting your time. I will tell you why:

#1. I am not interesting. I live in downtown Toronto by myself. I don't even have pets. I am wrapping up an undergraduate degree at the University of Toronto; only days to go and I can call myself a political scientist. I hope to one day get a job at the politics factory.
#2. I am not eloquent or smart. If you are looking for earth shattering literary revelations, you will not find them here. I am going to write here about mundane details of my life which will probably be mildly entertaining to myself and my few close friends, should they even find this blog, but overall, I'm not that bright and really have nothing to offer.
#3. I don't get out much. This is partially because of school, but seeing as that is winding down, this is subject to change. I am also extremely awkward in social situations. This can work in two ways: 1. it can sometimes be entertaining for those in my proximity, 2. it is why i spend most of my friday and saturday nights watching medical dramas and soft core porn on my 5 channel t.v.

So there you have it. A 3 point explanation of why you have just wasted 1.25 minutes of your life reading this.